sirahtul 'ainun: Haihh =.=

So I feel like I wanna write something. Cause it hurts so much to just keep all these sorrow inside. My chest hurts so bad that I felt like I wanna puke out. It started few days ago. It was about my degree program. As I've told you before, I applied for degree in education.

UKM. UPM. UiTM. UMS. UIA.

And i failed on UIA.
The same thing happened for the UMS.

I put my hope high on Uitm as i was a student there. Yet, I didn't get it for education. People said that each university would only offer a course to the applicants. A course. ONE course. Yah, I got the call. Uitm's interview call, but for the mass communication.

*sigh

and.....
*sigh

Tak boleh nak bayangkan if tak dapat pursue in TESL. Yes, I only managed to get band 3 in the MUET. But that was the upper band 3.And I'm bad in English. Naah, not THAT bad. It just, I'm still learning. Plus, I'd do anything if dapat sambung in education. I want to be an educator. I really do.
Tapi. All in all, kita kena redha dengan apa yang Dia dah tetapkan untuk kita. Aku tahu tu. Astaghfirullahalazim. Nasib baik ada Farah. Tolong sedarkan. Tolong ketuk sikit aku yang mamai ni.

" IF ALLAH PUTS YOU TO IT, HE'LL BRING YOU THROUGH IT "

okay. itu pasal degree. pasal panggilan interview ape bagai semua.

sekarang. pasal satu lagi hal. pasal ni yang buat aku lagi down. yang buat sakit tu jadi tambah sakit. yang buat dada tu rasa sesak. yang buat mata tu rasa nak menangis.

It is about him.

So yeah. I masih down dengan UPU, now tambah dengan ni. Hal ni. I just don't know samada nak lega ke sebab dah tahu, dah dapat kepastian yang dia memang dengan that 'someone' tu dari dia sendiri, nak rasa marah or nak rasa sedih.

But the thing is, i menangis. I cried masa dia confirmed about them. Oh, silly Ain is silly.

So silly.

Then I called Fina. Dia yang paling banyak tahu cerita me and him. Then Fina cakap,

" dah la Ain. sekarang ni awak pun dah dapat confirmation dari dia sendiri kan. dia memang dengan budak tu. awak lupakan jelah dia. iye, kita tahu awak dah lama kenal dia. dah banyak kenangan korang. tempoh 12 tahun untuk pendam rasa dengan tak official kan keadaan awak berdua is satu tempoh yang sangat lama. sangat lama untuk awak percayakan dia. sangat lama untuk awak sayangkan dia. tapi ain, kita rasa baik awak lupakan aje. "

and i said,

" tapi pina, kita rasa nak nangis. rasa berat kat dada ni."

and then she came with something that made me laugh,

" Ain ain ain... Kenapalah nak menangis. Awak tahu tak, nanti masa nikah nak guna air mata tu. Masa bersalin pun nak guna. Masa anak awak kahwin pun nak guna jugak kan air mata tu . "

Haha, apelah pina ni. Sempat lagi fikir masa depan tu. But thanks to you, I was able to smile. :')

I won’t fight to stay when all you want for me to do is leave. I’m not going to miss you when you don’t miss me. I’m not going to care when you don’t at all. I’m not going to try anymore. You’ve kept my hopes up for much too long. It’s time I start thinking about myself again and not you. It’s time I be strong. It’s time I let you go. It's about time I be happy.