Bila lagi?

Assalamualaikum.

So, it has been months since my last entry here. Okay lupakan kejap nak catch up cerita apa semua tu, harini I wanna share something specific.

“Ain bila lagi?”

Straight to the point, soalan tu bukanlah merujuk kepada bila aku nak habis belajar. Instead, soalan tu merujuk pada bila aku nak tamatkan zaman bujang. Senang cakap, kahwin.

Rasanya cepat atau lambat memang semua orang akan dapat soalan ni jugak kan. Cumanya kalau macam aku, soalan ni dah ditanya sejak aku umur 19 tahun. I am currently 22 years and 3 months old, and yes, masih lah menghadap soalan tu.

Apa je yang belum buat. Diam sudah, senyum sudah, menjawab pun sudah. Tapi biasalah orang kita, mana mungkin akan berhenti. Nanti, kalau dah lepas itu pun akan ada soalan-soalan lain yang menyusul. Faham sangat dah.

Kalau tak ada angin tak ada ribut pun boleh orang bertanyakan soalan tu, apatah lagi bila ada majlis bertunang dan kenduri kendara. Kau rasa?

Entah ya. Mungkin sebab aku anak tunggal kot. Masing-masing membayangkan oh nanti mesti majlis nak buat besar-besaran kan. Ain kan sorang je, banyaklah duit boleh guna untuk meraikan ye tak. Sedara mara pun tak sabar nak tengok Ain nikah, Ain naik pelamin, tak sabar sangat nak tengok Ain ada teman hidup.

Ye. Tahu niat yang bertanya tu baik. Tapi..

Hidup ni tujuannya bukan untuk nikah semata-mata tau. Tipu kalau kata aku takda rasa nak bernikah. Tipu kalau kata aku tak cemburu langsung bila tengok kawan, lebih lagi kawan yang sebaya dah ada suami, dah anak, dah ada keluarga sendiri. Tipu, semua tu tipu.

Aku ni belajar pun belum habis. Thesis pun baru siap separuh, itupun entah banyak ke sikit ke pembetulan kena buat nanti belum tahu lagi. Belanja pun masih lagi bergantung dengan abah walaupun ada kerja sambilan. Tu belum kira mana nak bayar balik ptptn tu ha. Kemahiran pun belum semua yang betul-betul pandai lagi. Insyaallah lah nanti suami tu tidaklah mati kelaparan, rumah pun tidaklah macam tongkang pecah tapi still…jadi isteri bukan itu je. Banyak benda lagi kena sedia. Emosi lagi, rohani lagi, fizikal lagi, ekonomi lagi. Komitmen pada diri sendiri, tanggungjawab pada keluarga pun banyak lagi.

Bagi yang dah lepas mesti cakap alaaaa alasan je semua tu. Kau kena ingat Ain, ikut islam rezeki tu datang lepas nikah. Bukan tunggu rezeki dulu baru nak nikah. Kau kata tanggungjawab, kalau kau nikah pun tetap kena jalankan jugak. Lagi best, kau dah share tanggungjawab tu, takdelah sorang-sorang.

Okay taknak gaduh dengan orang yang dah selamat. Sebab apa? Sebab jalan kita tak sama. Cerita kau dengan cerita aku lain. Ujian kau dengan ujian aku lain. Jadi kita masing-masing tak ada hak nak judge keadaan orang. So dia jadi macam pointless, buat penat je.

Lepas tu, soalan kedua cenggini bunyi dia,

“Dekat UKM tu takde ke dapat sesiapa? Luar UKM pun boleh jugak awak cari ha. Baik cari cepat, nanti dah habis belajar susah tau nak dapat dah”

Serius, aku taktahu lah ideologi mana yang korang ikut sampai boleh berpegang dengan statement tu. Kalau tak fikir hormat, eii rasa nak ketuk ketuk je kepala tu, bagi memikir tu biar logik sikit. Tayah desperate sangat doh. Kau sembang oh nikah tu bagus oh nikah tu sunnah tapi kau macam tak percaya takdir, macam tak yakin dengan janji Dia.

Aku bukan jenis yang official kan something. Well obviously I’m talking about relationship here. Jenis aku, cukup untuk aku dengan dia tahu hati masing-masing, jelas dengan rasa tu. Berkawan, dalam masa yang sama kita menjaga lebih sikit daripada kawan biasa. Mudah-mudahan, kalau ada rezeki ada jodoh, nikah. Simple.

Itu cara aku. Ada orang dia tak boleh macam tu. Munafik katanya (hiks maafkan saya) sebab kau acah macam tak ada apa apdahal kau bercinta jugak. Bahaya katanya bila kau tak letak nama pada hubungan tu sebab apa-apa jadi, kau nak claim apa pun tak boleh. Sebab kau cuma kawan biasa. Risiko tinggi sebab hati orang berbolak-balik. Janji setia, kasih sayang dia semua tu boleh hilang macam tu je.

Well..macam aku cakap tadi. Setiap orang ada cara masing-masing.

Aku pun dah taktau aku merepek apa sebenarnya ni. Elok kiranya kita berhenti setakat ini haha.

Semoga urusan kita dipermudah, walau apa juga sekalipun.

Tahniah kepada yang dah selamat ataupun yang bakal melangsungkan tu, rezeki korang sampai awal. Gerak dulu kay, insyaallah ada rezeki nanti aku follow belakang hee :3

Split seconds changes

Assalamualaikum.

Isn’t it funny to look at something or someone, knowing that you once hold them so close, so tight that you swore to yourself you will never, ever lose them?  It’s such a shame that things are now different.

I used to live with 15 cats in a house. We did everything together. I fed them. I bathed them. I played with them. I walked around with them. I drove with them. I studied with them. Well, pretty much everything.

I used to be such seafood lover. Any seafood cooked in any ways, you name it and I’d be love to have them in my dining hall and I’d be craving for them time to time.

I used to love the taste of kuah kacang whenever I have them with sate, rojak, fruits, seafood, anything. I love the sweetness, the spicy, and the crunchiness of peanuts. Ohh how tasty!

I used to have kind of friends whom I shared many things with. We talked on anything. The silly jokes, the dreams, the academic stuffs, random topics, general knowledge, oh you can say that these are people I cherish most, right after my family.

But somehow, things changed.

I suddenly realized that I have sinus, mild to severe condition sometimes. Hence, I can no longer consume seafood and peanuts. Plus, I can no longer sleep with cats. Even patting them would give me such bad effects. You know the non-stop sneeze, the itchy feeling, the rashes, and the acne popping out all over the face. Ergh. -.-

And the people. I’m not sure either it’s me who has changed or them. Often they said that people changed due to the situations. The environment, the pressure, the priorities and other people are the examples of factors.  I don’t know. But it is sure hurts more when it comes to deal with people rather than with other interest.

One time we’re up, the other we’re down.

Regardless of any directions we’re being directed or any ways we are now facing, it’s the memory and lessons learnt that matter most.

Oh, we can  have and lose everything in split seconds.

Chin up and keep strong.

Kunfayakun.

Happy 21, my dear living death.

Assalamualaikum.

You know, I never thought that we could be friends. Well I never thought that I would ever know someone as you, honestly.

But then there was the day, the day that I first met you, that we first talked to each other. And I was like, hey, this is pretty cool. If only you know, how I adore you then. How I look up to you. I mean, you’re one great man, or at least great enough for me to call a friend. Yet I know that there was a line separating us. Needless to say, I didn’t see the chance of befriend with you.

Life sure is one game worth playing. Still remember the very first moment we became friends? And, the moment that we, you and I decided that we ain’t just friends, but we are best friends, forever and always.  

I treasure every seconds we had. You know me well enough to know that I am that type of girl who remembers everything; in it’s very finely details. And I know you too, to know that you are the type of guy who forgets things.

It is such a waste to type all of our memories here.

I know.

But I couldn’t help myself. It hurts so bad to lose you. Oh, I did tell you this. And I still can listen to your reply, that night, saying, ah you can do this ain. You can forget everything. You can forget us. You can forget me. What you need is just time. I can still listen to them and I can still see the scenes, being replay all the times.

Ouch.

And that one fine night. You were there beside me. And I was looking at your picture in my hand, more to stare at those eyes. And I said that I miss him. I miss him so bad. And I turned to you, asking, where is my best friend. What have you done to him. I want him back.

And you said.

How can I do that. How can I return you your best friend, when he is dead. He’s dead ain. Face it. I will be here, you can always look at me when you miss him but not more than that. He’s no longer here. I am a new me. The one you used to know, has dead. Don't you get me? He’s dead.

I never know how to live with that fact. I know well that it’s hard to move on, especially with a death but don’t tell me to move on with a death while I still have to live with the exact same figure, same smile, same smell, same jokes, same everything, for every single day here.

Allahu.

Oh, my last year birthday. You were there with me, celebrating it, for almost the whole day. But there was one thing. Never did anyone tell me that I shall not have the happiness on my day. Never did anyone tell me that I should be sad on that day. And never did anyone tell me that my birthday is not even my day. Never. No one, except for you.

How cruel was that to be uttered on such special day for your best friend?

And today, is your birthday.

You seemed to be very sure that I did not remember it. Heh.

I wish I could.

But the thing is, I just remember it.

And I wish I could say those words to you.

But I just could not.

‘cause I’m living a dead friendship. tell me, how am I supposed to wish happy birthday, to a dead best friend?

…

MEP KDO 14/15, of counting the day off

Assalamualaikum.

Ayy. How should I start this.

...adalah dimaklumkan bahawa Pusat Pembangunan Alumni dan Mahasiswa akan menganjurkan Majlis Penghargaan dan Penyampaian Watikah MEP UKM pada 28 Mei 2015 (Khamis) jam 8.30 malam bertempat di Dewan Persidangan FST...

Watikah. And a watikah means penyerahan tugas. It’s been almost a year. Two semesters of service have finally come to an end. Its way too early in compare to our time then. Kami dulu, dinner kolej, majlis junjungan mandat (majlis serah tugas peringkat kolej) baru ke majlis peringkat UKM. Ini, watikah peringkat universiti dulu. Dan malam esoknya makan malam kolej. My very last program. Sedihnya. To be in that dinner bukan lagi sebagai seorang mep.

Dewan Persidangan FST. The very same place untuk watikah peringkat universiti kami dulu jugak. I can still remember the feeling at that time. You know, going there beramai-ramai dengan kereta felo, though masa tu tak rapat pun lagi dengan mep yang lain. And the fact that rupanya there are other 10 of my classmates yang jugak jadi mep. What a record for TESLians. 11 mep in a class. Paling ramai, paling tak disangka. And to know that Ehsan pun mep, it was kinda an excitement you know. Not because of anything but sebab Ehsan is a friend to my friend and he is also my idol, I ikut perkembangan dia dari sekolah. So ya, seronok. *tetibe femeskan ehsan. lel. sorry ehsan hehe.

Executive of Academic and Innovation. The very first young lady to uphold such portfolio in Dato’ Onn Residential College. It was such an honour and a pressure as well, I would say.

There were so many things we’ve been through together. The ups. The downs. The happiness. The sadness. The gloomy days. The pressure. The praises. Ukm Confession Facebook page. Students’ reaction. Personal message. Meetings. Programs. Hiking. Diving. Driving. Food hunting. Travelling. Studying. Movies. Sleeping. Pulling all night. Oh my, there is just so much. And many more.

Being a mep is one of the personal achievements. I used to be everything during my school years. From a normal student to assistant class monitor, class monitor, librarian, prefect, head girl and last but not least, the head student.  I just love to be in an organization. To conduct programs. To have work to do. To serves the community, even for the smallest thing I can do. I love it. I just do.

And it always hurt when you finally have to end what you have started. To give room for others . I mean, its not that I don’t believe others is handling things, they might do better, way better than the things are now. It is just..how can I put these in words. Its not about position. Its all about family. The place which you can always turn to rather than classmates and college mates or friends. The ones who endure the very familiar things as you do. Things might have worked differently for different portfolio but more or less, it’s the same. Only mep could understand mep. We rarely sleep. Its not that we did not want to but we have commitment. Kita ada amanah atas bahu. Ada tanggungjawab, ada kepercayaan yang orang bagi pada kita. Sebab percaya mereka pada kita. How can we let those people down? I don’t know for others but Ibu never taught me that. She taught me to be diligent, to be a person who can ease others, to always keep my words, to always serve for others, no matter what people do to you. Be wise, be strong. She believed so much in me that I started to believe in myself too. So I do my work, and I do my studies as well. I have been trying my best to put everything in their places so that I can help everyone. But it seems like not everyone is that everyone we think we know…

I wont say that MEP KDO 2014/2015 is the best yet we are the best. We know what we did. Others know how we work. Still remember how kita kena kecam teruk teruk, kena bermacam panggilan? Padahal masa tu kita belum dilantik secara rasmi pun lagi. Still remember our very first meeting at Bilik Zamrud? When I don’t know you and you don’t know me. We sat far away from each other. That moment. The ice breaking moment. To introduce yourself. Your name. Which club do you came from. Your faculty. Your age. Your portfolio. Everything, guys. Everything. It was a moment of building up a family.

Bilik mep. Oh my. You sure remember how the room used to be kan? And Alhamdulillah, masa sesi kita, we got the peruntukan untuk tukar everything in that room. Ingat lagi susah payah kita bersihkan bilik tu? To get rid of everything unwanted. The habuk, the everything lah. And how we helped Abang Huzai in painting up the room. Though masa tu ada yang mengelat lah bagai. And how we were there, looking through the catalog untuk pilih warna cat, untuk pilih perabot baru. We were so excited to get the new sofa, the new table, the new cabinet, everything. And we were so proud that finally, we have a room for ourselves. The very new room we decorated. Our batch. Our room. Our work space. Our leisure space.

Of course. Nothing ever went smooth all the way to the end.

We disagreed. We fought. We raised our voice. We were sick. We, everything…

But let us not talk on that. Let us just talk on the good days, the good thing. Reminiscing is knowing we had both great and disaster but I choose to let people know our happiness.

I have soooooo much memories of us. From the very first day of interview, of watikah, of panjat turun bukit broga, of travelling, of everything. I got pictures, I got videos and I have them all in my heart and mind.

Sorry for being emotional. You know we still have lots to do this week kan. Today is Monday. So many things to be done, in every hour. I will call it a wrap when we finally come to our examination weeks.

I have learned so much in being a mep. On handling programs to knowing people. On people with beautiful soul to the time when the mask falls off.

We have had our time.

ain ingat lagi waktu i first created this group and mintak number korang semua. masa tu dlm bas otw nak pi uss. group ni, nama banyak kali tukar but not this picture.  how funny tarikh kita tau pasal watikah baru is sama dgn tarikh kita wujudkan whatsapp group ni.

Thank you for everything.

Opal, Maro, Suhana, Aza, Diana, Wawa, Irfan, Ajim, Syafiq, Putri, Roy, Fitrah, Huda. Including me and there, 14 of us.

Out of all, I hate you guys.

But I love you more. <3